Hoarding is something that seems to run in my father's side of the family.
Nearly all of my father's side of the family has some kind of hoarding tendency.
My father and one of my aunts are extreme hoarders. My grandfather will keep anything he thinks may be of use, or could be of use once fixed or given to another. My grandmother is one of the exceptions to this trait, as she really only seems to hold on to things she actually uses. I am at a level between my grandparents. I will hold on to something I can use or donate, often craft items (I will cut up soda and cracker boxes to reuse as paint palettes and I often hold on to packing material) and though my hoarding tendencies have decreased when it comes to retaining something for sentimental reasons, my fear of that certain something finding its way into a landfill to sit for all time, is the biggest reason why I feel such guilt when taking out the trash. It does not help that my complex does not have a separate dumpster for recyclable items, (which is something I might consider bringing to attention). I can't even compost! (They would probably cite me for trying, contributing to the nose pollution and what not. As if the neighbor's frequent pot smoking wasn't bad enough *gag*).
The way to empty the bins is into a black garbage bag, and then into the dumpster, bag and all. As I began my weekly habit of trash duty about the studio I looked at the items I was tossing into the bag and began to wonder if they might serve a higher purpose than meeting their end buried beneath hundreds of other bags in a landfill somewhere. This prompted me to perform a Google search to learn whom else on the planet might empathize with my guilt.
This woman's efforts are truly inspirational:
The Hook - COVER- Two years, two bags: How she makes almost no trash
I live in a tiny place, yet seem to accumulate so much trash for 1-2 people! About 1-2 black bags worth per week. That just seems like far too much. I have a bin with items to donate, and I even have items that I feel I might to able to mend so that I COULD donate them. Sometimes I wonder if I am not too concerned, what with holding on to old, useless things simply so that they do not end up in landfills. Perhaps I need to do even more research to see what I CAN recycle. Many papers I need to shred before I can feel comfortable tossing or recycling them, which is why I have SO much paper work. I've gone paperless on nearly every statement that I have and become frustrated when I receive anything in the mail. I am also concerned about the gift boxes that I send my jewelry orders out in. What are you doing with those little blue and black bow-bedecked boxes? Do you keep your purchases in them? Do you take the cotton out and store other items in them? Remove the anchor and reuse the box for a friend's gift? (I actually wouldn't mind this last option, as I would feel much better that the box has been reused as opposed to just being tossed into the trash. Even if you wanted to send the little anchor and brad BACK in a letter envelope, I would be tickled!) Boxes are the most stable way to send my orders, as they are further packaged into yellow, padded envelopes, which I hope are being reused, even for other orders. Whenever I receive an order in a container or box that I can reuse or a box that contains shipping material, such as bubble wrap or tissue paper, I often save and reuse them to ship my own orders later. How ARE you using those gift boxes, my friends?
Here's a tip: If you want to remove the bow so that you can stack the boxes, I recommend it. Storing your jewelry separately can prevent metal discoloration. I have jewelry (of my own) that was stored among pieces of different metals and they can become discolored, grimy, even worn out! Storing each piece separately, or with other pieces composed of the same metal, can prevent damage.
At any rate, am I the only one who feels so guilty about taking out the trash each week? Does anyone else feel this way?
I was a bit upset to learn that SunChips actually reverted to their original plastic bag because consumers complained that the new compostable was "too noisy". Are you kidding me? Put them in a bowl then! What are you doing to make the bag crinkle so much; sitting on them? Put them in a plastic zip lock bag to save them! Wear ear plugs! Its not the chips, its the bag, so grab your snack and put the bag away, its not difficult. A few moments of loud noise to retrieve your snack is more than worth a step in the right eco-friendly direction! Goodness.
Also a reminder, that you don't need a blogger account to comment. I've been receiving many comments back on my FaceBook page, but I would be thrilled to receive them here as well!
In general, it has been raining for days on end, (our complex parking lot is more like an asphalt swimming hole) and this song suits me to the word.
I've always felt as if it were written for me, but of course, that is not the case.
Cheers and hope for more rain,
Natasha
22 December, 2010
08 December, 2010
Inability to Connect
This is going to be a rather raw entry, and may be shoved back in my face at some point, but I am tired of holding it all into myself. I know there is at least one person who both empathizes and sympathizes with me on this subject, though perhaps maybe not quite to the degree of severity to which I experience. Ironically enough, this person happens to be my best friend, my sister if you will (who happens to live 1,010 miles away, give or take).
I have poor social skills, and I was raised with more responsibility than normal children should have. Perhaps it was being raised in a military household, mostly by a single male who ate, slept and breathed responsibility and who raised me to accept said responsibility for my every action in life. I've always been taught that the world owes me nothing and that I must always work hard for what I want or need. It has been said that I take myself too seriously. Perhaps this is why some see me as conceited or self-absorbed. This is not the case, I am merely afraid to make mistakes. I was raised in a home where mistakes were not tolerable. Mistakes were a learning experience followed by consequence and punishment. No action comes without consequence. Perhaps that understanding is yet another reason why I am overly serious, often paranoid and sometimes mildly neurotic. Perhaps these reasons are also why I feel that I cannot relate to my peers.
My peers. With their often carefree attitude of social play, reckless activities and general immaturity. They seldom consider the big picture and barely contemplate the tiny image set before them each day. They rarely see beyond the previous night's drinking binge to this morning's hangover. Only now is the moment that matters.. I live in the big picture and find the little picture to be trivial. The big picture is all that usually matters, all on which I spend my time. Now granted, not every peer is the way I have described above. Many are also concentrated on the big picture, yet still maintain their scope on the here and now. How? This is a balance I envy with my whole heart. Still, I feel a complete inability to truly connect with any of them. It it almost impossible for me to relate to others in a manner that I can take seriously and to be honest and true. There exist, however, a select handful of people for whom an exception exists. Unfortunately, they live about 30 miles away and I rarely see them anymore, but whether at work or out after hours, I always felt a genuine connection to them. Perhaps in that environment, a certain mindset exists that is akin to my own? Perhaps each business has a type of employee who best fits a required personality type? Merely speculation, but it makes sense.
My inability to truly and genuinely connect with people around me leaves me with a social life that exists almost entirely online. What person-to-person interaction there is exists at work, where I feel that most are friendly merely because it is expected in order to maintain a pleasant work environment. Unlike others, I am not prone to false pleasantness. If I do not like or do not connect with a person even in a simple manner, I do not bother trying to feign the niceties. And if they don't like me, why bother? I also find it difficult to enter in meaningless conversation. Gossip, or what pointless things (usually drinking or partying) someone did, what they're going to eat for dinner, who is dating whom, blah, blah, blah, please end it already! Instead, it has also been noticed, I often enter in with some vaguely related fact in which most people have little interest and few even know about! Pardon me for thinking, please, really, I just shouldn't bother. Clearly, intellectual thought is just too much for the general populace. I've never seen a purpose in putting effort into skin-deep acquaintances, and I cannot be the only one that feels that way..
Perhaps, my constant over burden of responsibility and 'taking myself too seriously' has affected my ability to properly connect with those around me. Or perhaps, people here at "my level" (whatever level that may be) are simply scarce or in hiding.. Whatever the case, I am becoming increasingly bothered with my complete inability to form deep, meaningful, intellectual human connections. You just can't have that bond with pixels.. I just can't help wondering what impression people really take from me..
I have poor social skills, and I was raised with more responsibility than normal children should have. Perhaps it was being raised in a military household, mostly by a single male who ate, slept and breathed responsibility and who raised me to accept said responsibility for my every action in life. I've always been taught that the world owes me nothing and that I must always work hard for what I want or need. It has been said that I take myself too seriously. Perhaps this is why some see me as conceited or self-absorbed. This is not the case, I am merely afraid to make mistakes. I was raised in a home where mistakes were not tolerable. Mistakes were a learning experience followed by consequence and punishment. No action comes without consequence. Perhaps that understanding is yet another reason why I am overly serious, often paranoid and sometimes mildly neurotic. Perhaps these reasons are also why I feel that I cannot relate to my peers.
My peers. With their often carefree attitude of social play, reckless activities and general immaturity. They seldom consider the big picture and barely contemplate the tiny image set before them each day. They rarely see beyond the previous night's drinking binge to this morning's hangover. Only now is the moment that matters.. I live in the big picture and find the little picture to be trivial. The big picture is all that usually matters, all on which I spend my time. Now granted, not every peer is the way I have described above. Many are also concentrated on the big picture, yet still maintain their scope on the here and now. How? This is a balance I envy with my whole heart. Still, I feel a complete inability to truly connect with any of them. It it almost impossible for me to relate to others in a manner that I can take seriously and to be honest and true. There exist, however, a select handful of people for whom an exception exists. Unfortunately, they live about 30 miles away and I rarely see them anymore, but whether at work or out after hours, I always felt a genuine connection to them. Perhaps in that environment, a certain mindset exists that is akin to my own? Perhaps each business has a type of employee who best fits a required personality type? Merely speculation, but it makes sense.
My inability to truly and genuinely connect with people around me leaves me with a social life that exists almost entirely online. What person-to-person interaction there is exists at work, where I feel that most are friendly merely because it is expected in order to maintain a pleasant work environment. Unlike others, I am not prone to false pleasantness. If I do not like or do not connect with a person even in a simple manner, I do not bother trying to feign the niceties. And if they don't like me, why bother? I also find it difficult to enter in meaningless conversation. Gossip, or what pointless things (usually drinking or partying) someone did, what they're going to eat for dinner, who is dating whom, blah, blah, blah, please end it already! Instead, it has also been noticed, I often enter in with some vaguely related fact in which most people have little interest and few even know about! Pardon me for thinking, please, really, I just shouldn't bother. Clearly, intellectual thought is just too much for the general populace. I've never seen a purpose in putting effort into skin-deep acquaintances, and I cannot be the only one that feels that way..
Perhaps, my constant over burden of responsibility and 'taking myself too seriously' has affected my ability to properly connect with those around me. Or perhaps, people here at "my level" (whatever level that may be) are simply scarce or in hiding.. Whatever the case, I am becoming increasingly bothered with my complete inability to form deep, meaningful, intellectual human connections. You just can't have that bond with pixels.. I just can't help wondering what impression people really take from me..
07 December, 2010
01 December, 2010
04 November, 2010
Corner Clean-up Challenge Stage 2
It's been about a week since I started the clean up process and so far its been fairly motivating. I'm fighting an increasingly vicious cold, so energy is a rare commodity. It's been over a week so far with this cold, and take today for instance.. We slept til nearly 4pm. Granted yes, we didn't actually get to sleep until after 5am, but nearly 12 hours of sleep?? Maybe it isn't worth it to take the night-time cold medicine if I'm going to be exhausted anyway. I've had more than one cup of coffee and I could still go back to bed for the night at this point.. *collapse*
The prospect, however, of actually accomplishing something worthy of note, is far too tempting to crawl back into said bed.. It's like being permanently buzzed, and it is quite annoying.
At any rate, while I cannot say the same for the floor, the corner is shaping up quite nicely. I was able to stack everything that has been in the way, into one pile and under the folding table. I decided to nix the hand-made photo tent for something that should work a bit better, and have turned the old sewing table into my shipping area. Things are in serious need for some cloth coverings though. Brown is not inspiring, and the colors are blue, black and white over here.
I've purchased some more organizing items and even though I had to rig up a tiny screwdriver, using a lock-wrench and a broken eye-glass screwdriver, I was able to hand-screw the white drawer/shelf piece together. No more thank you haha! Must find my mini driver! These walls are mind-numbingly bare and attempts to remedy this has already begun. More on that in the next entry..
Floor:
Corner:
The prospect, however, of actually accomplishing something worthy of note, is far too tempting to crawl back into said bed.. It's like being permanently buzzed, and it is quite annoying.
At any rate, while I cannot say the same for the floor, the corner is shaping up quite nicely. I was able to stack everything that has been in the way, into one pile and under the folding table. I decided to nix the hand-made photo tent for something that should work a bit better, and have turned the old sewing table into my shipping area. Things are in serious need for some cloth coverings though. Brown is not inspiring, and the colors are blue, black and white over here.
I've purchased some more organizing items and even though I had to rig up a tiny screwdriver, using a lock-wrench and a broken eye-glass screwdriver, I was able to hand-screw the white drawer/shelf piece together. No more thank you haha! Must find my mini driver! These walls are mind-numbingly bare and attempts to remedy this has already begun. More on that in the next entry..
Floor:
Corner:
27 October, 2010
Corner Clean-up Challenge
Ahoy!
First of all, let it be known that I detest disorganization. I can live in chaos, but not when it actually comes to where I live! The state of my dwelling is reflected in my mental state. If it is messy, I am frantic, stressed and irritable. If it is clean, I am organized, calm and usually content. For reasons unknown to myself, I have put off making a serious overhaul on some of the messiest areas of our apartment. Having finally cleared the giant movement-impeding storage box from our entryway, there is now room to store a few items from my 'studio corner', thus making room in that corner. Last week I resolved to whip this mess of a place into shape and so far I am already reaping the rewards. My computer used to sit at the foot of our bed (a murphy frame with a mattress, much like sleeping on the floor) and the printer a ways behind it. Needless to say, cords everywhere. I have so many crafting supplies that their proper storage seems nearly impossible, but I am determined. We can now walk through the hallway and the majority of the studio floor (bedroom/sitting room, etc), save for my side of the bed which is near the sliding glass doors. The following images show the majority of the 'damage', and as I progress in its clean-up I shall be posting the progress!
The beginning:
Supplies:
The Corner:
The computer sat just to the left of where I am standing to take the photo.
Needless to say, the paint color is a great start (especially if you could see what the original hideous beige color looked like) but the trick is going to be organizing on a super slim budget!
Is anyone else in the middle of a big overhaul project, or does anyone have any advice on refined organizing on a budget? DIY projects are always loved!
Natasha
First of all, let it be known that I detest disorganization. I can live in chaos, but not when it actually comes to where I live! The state of my dwelling is reflected in my mental state. If it is messy, I am frantic, stressed and irritable. If it is clean, I am organized, calm and usually content. For reasons unknown to myself, I have put off making a serious overhaul on some of the messiest areas of our apartment. Having finally cleared the giant movement-impeding storage box from our entryway, there is now room to store a few items from my 'studio corner', thus making room in that corner. Last week I resolved to whip this mess of a place into shape and so far I am already reaping the rewards. My computer used to sit at the foot of our bed (a murphy frame with a mattress, much like sleeping on the floor) and the printer a ways behind it. Needless to say, cords everywhere. I have so many crafting supplies that their proper storage seems nearly impossible, but I am determined. We can now walk through the hallway and the majority of the studio floor (bedroom/sitting room, etc), save for my side of the bed which is near the sliding glass doors. The following images show the majority of the 'damage', and as I progress in its clean-up I shall be posting the progress!
The beginning:
Supplies:
The Corner:
The computer sat just to the left of where I am standing to take the photo.
Needless to say, the paint color is a great start (especially if you could see what the original hideous beige color looked like) but the trick is going to be organizing on a super slim budget!
Is anyone else in the middle of a big overhaul project, or does anyone have any advice on refined organizing on a budget? DIY projects are always loved!
Natasha
14 October, 2010
Burn It All Down
I've wanted to turn this blog into something interesting and potentially inspirational, but I always feel like nothing I have to talk about is terribly interesting to anyone but those closest to me. I used to blog daily, mainly about my personal life, but stopped and haven't really done much since late last year. As my life seems to pile over my head like an avalanche I find the appeal of blogging once more tugging at my mind. So here it goes..
I have anxiety disorder. I don't use it as an excuse and I don't like to acknowledge that it exists. I do not take medication for it, I just deal. I don't believe in using drugs as a sole solution for anything, I would rather work with it on my own. Lately though, panic attacks and stress have become a regular occurrence. I feel most days as if I'm stuck untangling a very long length of rope, which I may never manage to straighten. Perhaps my youth and inexperience in many areas of this new chapter of my life aid to condemn my actions, I do not know. The following is not a rant, it is not a plea for sympathy (as anyone who knows me well enough, knows that I loathe being pitied, immensely), it is merely a means for me to throw my issues and questions in the cosmos and see what sort of responses I might receive in return. In an attempt to organize everything, I'll just address each major issue in turn.
My back, work and what's happening with what:
Mid June of this year, I injured my back opening the stubborn rear hatch of a submarine on Finding Nemo. In excruciating pain for over a month, I endured physical therapy, ibuprofen and transitional duty, Transitional duty is an alternate work program which very few hours, low paychecks unbelievably boring, menial task work. So far, I have been very fortunate to have Disney's help with this situation. Therapy was able to take my regular pain level down from a usual 10 to about a 2/3, with the worst being 6/7 on a bad day. Now I've had x-rays, an MRI and will shortly be seeing a doctor to discuss the results. Disney is taking care of all of this. It is one less expense that I have to worry about for one more problem. Often though, I am still in pain. I am not entirely certain what is wrong yet, but I will find out soon. Work is another issue entirely. Upon returning to work, I find that I panic at the mere idea of having to drive a submarine. The last time I tried to drive since returning from transitional (a little over 2 months) I had my trainer in the sail with me, but nearly fainted from panic. (The managers have been great and have done what they can for me, but I cannot afford a doctor's note and thus, cannot be dropped until that point, so I try to trade shifts). There is also the possibility of bumping. Bumping is when the bump pads on the submarine collide and are pushed inward. Bumping usually results in a safety, which is a disciplinary action. Disciplinary action will prevent me from transferring to my preferred position, which is Security. I have an initial interview for Security this coming Monday. I've wanted Security before I even applied to work for Disney nearly one year ago (Halloween will be my official one-year anniversary). I will probably cry with joy if I land this position. Not only will I be working in an environment that I relate to and enjoy, but it does not hurt that the pay and opportunities for hours and furthering my training are much greater. I will feel more that I am making a difference, instead of how I feel now at attractions, which is simply, just doing a paid job. Unfortunately, there is no joy left for me in attractions. This is the greatest chance of transferring to Security that I have had, and if by some horrendous, off chance I do not land the position.. I am not sure that I will want to stay with the company.. However, everything is dependent upon money, as money is the root of evil and of happiness.
Money, my finances and replacing the engine block in my "new" car:
Honestly, I do not care what anyone says about money, but the fact of the matter is, the stuff has the power and the ability to make or break our lives, whether we let it or not. If you don't have enough of it, it can tear down relationships, break souls and shatter lives. If you have it, relationships may have little stress, souls and creativity soar and flourish and lives can blossom in astonishing ways. I know this. This is my life. True, I put myself into this position. True, my beloved is in this position with me. True, we are constantly strained by limited funds. True, I scrape by month-to-month by the skin of my ass to make bills as close to 'on-time' as entirely plausible. I take comfort in what little things I can; Tommy's emotional support, the love and dependency of our kittens, having a job, the food I have to eat (when we can afford it), my jewelry and Blue Anchor, the emotional support of those who care for me, and until a few days ago, the reliability of having my own car again. Monday, the car stopped functioning properly. It refused to start, smoked and eventually overheated. After a tedious drive home and a near sleepless night, we awoke early Tuesday to have the oil changed and the engine checked before my 10am shift. We learned that the coolant fluid and motor oil were leaking and after a terrifying day of driving to work and back on two separate shifts, we knew we had to take it in. Wednesday being our day off, we took the car back to the dealership and they gave us a rental in the meantime. At about 11am this morning, Thursday, I learned that the engine block would need to be replaced for $2,900.00 UP FRONT. After breaking down into tears for about a minute, I called my father. Then I called my mother; the problem-solver. Whatever problem I cannot fix, she can. After spending well over 2 hours calling dealerships, attorneys and family members, mum is having her mechanic do it for a GRAND LESS and is willing to accept payments, just up-front for the part. My father is loaning me $1,500.00 for it, which leaves about $400 left to take care of myself. Enterprise requires a $300 deposit for a rental, which I obviously don't have, and my mum's new (quite amazing actually) husband agreed to wire the money all the way from NEW ZEALAND (where she will be moving early next year) to cover the deposit. So I still have rental ( approx $35/day), uncovered repair charges ($400), my half of rent ($400), my car payment ($243), and usual expenses, like the shampoo were in desperate need of, food, gas, etc. The money is spent before its even made. Its overwhelming to a fault. Now I am pretty much relying on a job I do not yet even have, and I am waiting at the very edge of my seat for the final settlement from my car accident, which I am informed may be $10,000.00 or less. Unbelievable. The reason I am hurting so BADLY is BECAUSE of this accident. They reckon my original back injury is the main cause of my current pain and that the hatches aggravated it all over again. I have a car payment and now a huge repair bill due and I'm lucky every month if I make my rent and bills. *sigh* Everything is so carefully orchestrated in my life, that it is simply ridiculous. The girls need their shots again, we're trying to afford a computer for Tommy, and we can't even do anything fun for Halloween, let alone anything at all. Augh. Now that I've left my financial situation open, raw and bleeding there for all to see..
Blue Anchor:
The business is a bit of a different situation entirely. Orders come in, but not in the frequency that allows me to work at it full time, nor to afford decent advertising. It is difficult to manage everything and to expand as a one-person company. I hope to be learning how to use excel and tax programs soon and buying up small ad space on blogs and in a few magazines. I feel as if I am stuck in a lousy cycle. In order to buy ad space I need to make more sales, but in order to make more sales, I need to advertise to a larger audience. I have been hoping to use some of the settlement for this purpose, but it seems much of it will be going to bills, the lawyers and the car. Maybe if I can just level out all of my expenses elsewhere, I can manage and expand as I want to so badly. For a bit I was very good about pulling new designs, photographing and posting, but upon my return from transitional duty, my free time has been cut into a fourth of what it was before. It may be eating me out of house and home at some points, but I love it too much and have worked WAY TOO HARD on it to just give up. Often though, I wish I could scream for some kind of help. I don't know everything there is to know about running and expanding a business, and you have seen MY web design skills. One day, I am splurging on a professional. One day, one day, one day.. Why can't I just make it happen today? Well one day, I am going to make it all happen.
"Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something."
--Wesley, The Princess Bride
"Opportunity often comes disguised in the form of misfortune, or temporary defeat."
- Napoleon Hill
Natasha
I have anxiety disorder. I don't use it as an excuse and I don't like to acknowledge that it exists. I do not take medication for it, I just deal. I don't believe in using drugs as a sole solution for anything, I would rather work with it on my own. Lately though, panic attacks and stress have become a regular occurrence. I feel most days as if I'm stuck untangling a very long length of rope, which I may never manage to straighten. Perhaps my youth and inexperience in many areas of this new chapter of my life aid to condemn my actions, I do not know. The following is not a rant, it is not a plea for sympathy (as anyone who knows me well enough, knows that I loathe being pitied, immensely), it is merely a means for me to throw my issues and questions in the cosmos and see what sort of responses I might receive in return. In an attempt to organize everything, I'll just address each major issue in turn.
My back, work and what's happening with what:
Mid June of this year, I injured my back opening the stubborn rear hatch of a submarine on Finding Nemo. In excruciating pain for over a month, I endured physical therapy, ibuprofen and transitional duty, Transitional duty is an alternate work program which very few hours, low paychecks unbelievably boring, menial task work. So far, I have been very fortunate to have Disney's help with this situation. Therapy was able to take my regular pain level down from a usual 10 to about a 2/3, with the worst being 6/7 on a bad day. Now I've had x-rays, an MRI and will shortly be seeing a doctor to discuss the results. Disney is taking care of all of this. It is one less expense that I have to worry about for one more problem. Often though, I am still in pain. I am not entirely certain what is wrong yet, but I will find out soon. Work is another issue entirely. Upon returning to work, I find that I panic at the mere idea of having to drive a submarine. The last time I tried to drive since returning from transitional (a little over 2 months) I had my trainer in the sail with me, but nearly fainted from panic. (The managers have been great and have done what they can for me, but I cannot afford a doctor's note and thus, cannot be dropped until that point, so I try to trade shifts). There is also the possibility of bumping. Bumping is when the bump pads on the submarine collide and are pushed inward. Bumping usually results in a safety, which is a disciplinary action. Disciplinary action will prevent me from transferring to my preferred position, which is Security. I have an initial interview for Security this coming Monday. I've wanted Security before I even applied to work for Disney nearly one year ago (Halloween will be my official one-year anniversary). I will probably cry with joy if I land this position. Not only will I be working in an environment that I relate to and enjoy, but it does not hurt that the pay and opportunities for hours and furthering my training are much greater. I will feel more that I am making a difference, instead of how I feel now at attractions, which is simply, just doing a paid job. Unfortunately, there is no joy left for me in attractions. This is the greatest chance of transferring to Security that I have had, and if by some horrendous, off chance I do not land the position.. I am not sure that I will want to stay with the company.. However, everything is dependent upon money, as money is the root of evil and of happiness.
Money, my finances and replacing the engine block in my "new" car:
Honestly, I do not care what anyone says about money, but the fact of the matter is, the stuff has the power and the ability to make or break our lives, whether we let it or not. If you don't have enough of it, it can tear down relationships, break souls and shatter lives. If you have it, relationships may have little stress, souls and creativity soar and flourish and lives can blossom in astonishing ways. I know this. This is my life. True, I put myself into this position. True, my beloved is in this position with me. True, we are constantly strained by limited funds. True, I scrape by month-to-month by the skin of my ass to make bills as close to 'on-time' as entirely plausible. I take comfort in what little things I can; Tommy's emotional support, the love and dependency of our kittens, having a job, the food I have to eat (when we can afford it), my jewelry and Blue Anchor, the emotional support of those who care for me, and until a few days ago, the reliability of having my own car again. Monday, the car stopped functioning properly. It refused to start, smoked and eventually overheated. After a tedious drive home and a near sleepless night, we awoke early Tuesday to have the oil changed and the engine checked before my 10am shift. We learned that the coolant fluid and motor oil were leaking and after a terrifying day of driving to work and back on two separate shifts, we knew we had to take it in. Wednesday being our day off, we took the car back to the dealership and they gave us a rental in the meantime. At about 11am this morning, Thursday, I learned that the engine block would need to be replaced for $2,900.00 UP FRONT. After breaking down into tears for about a minute, I called my father. Then I called my mother; the problem-solver. Whatever problem I cannot fix, she can. After spending well over 2 hours calling dealerships, attorneys and family members, mum is having her mechanic do it for a GRAND LESS and is willing to accept payments, just up-front for the part. My father is loaning me $1,500.00 for it, which leaves about $400 left to take care of myself. Enterprise requires a $300 deposit for a rental, which I obviously don't have, and my mum's new (quite amazing actually) husband agreed to wire the money all the way from NEW ZEALAND (where she will be moving early next year) to cover the deposit. So I still have rental ( approx $35/day), uncovered repair charges ($400), my half of rent ($400), my car payment ($243), and usual expenses, like the shampoo were in desperate need of, food, gas, etc. The money is spent before its even made. Its overwhelming to a fault. Now I am pretty much relying on a job I do not yet even have, and I am waiting at the very edge of my seat for the final settlement from my car accident, which I am informed may be $10,000.00 or less. Unbelievable. The reason I am hurting so BADLY is BECAUSE of this accident. They reckon my original back injury is the main cause of my current pain and that the hatches aggravated it all over again. I have a car payment and now a huge repair bill due and I'm lucky every month if I make my rent and bills. *sigh* Everything is so carefully orchestrated in my life, that it is simply ridiculous. The girls need their shots again, we're trying to afford a computer for Tommy, and we can't even do anything fun for Halloween, let alone anything at all. Augh. Now that I've left my financial situation open, raw and bleeding there for all to see..
Blue Anchor:
The business is a bit of a different situation entirely. Orders come in, but not in the frequency that allows me to work at it full time, nor to afford decent advertising. It is difficult to manage everything and to expand as a one-person company. I hope to be learning how to use excel and tax programs soon and buying up small ad space on blogs and in a few magazines. I feel as if I am stuck in a lousy cycle. In order to buy ad space I need to make more sales, but in order to make more sales, I need to advertise to a larger audience. I have been hoping to use some of the settlement for this purpose, but it seems much of it will be going to bills, the lawyers and the car. Maybe if I can just level out all of my expenses elsewhere, I can manage and expand as I want to so badly. For a bit I was very good about pulling new designs, photographing and posting, but upon my return from transitional duty, my free time has been cut into a fourth of what it was before. It may be eating me out of house and home at some points, but I love it too much and have worked WAY TOO HARD on it to just give up. Often though, I wish I could scream for some kind of help. I don't know everything there is to know about running and expanding a business, and you have seen MY web design skills. One day, I am splurging on a professional. One day, one day, one day.. Why can't I just make it happen today? Well one day, I am going to make it all happen.
"Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something."
--Wesley, The Princess Bride
"Opportunity often comes disguised in the form of misfortune, or temporary defeat."
- Napoleon Hill
Natasha
05 August, 2010
An Informal Introduction
Ahoy!
I am formally known as Natasha; jewelry designer and general scatter-brained dreamer. I am informally known by many other names, such as Lady Commissar; "model" and goodness knows what else people think of me. I am pretty much oblivious to the general public opinion of my person with the exception of what people tell me. I have psychic tendencies, sometimes I have 4-eyes and have considered (pre-Scarlett *gag*) Black Widow to be my long-time alter-ego, personality-perfection for years.
First of all, I don't consider myself much of a "bloggy" type, mostly because I highly doubt anyone has any real interest in what I have to say, but partly because most of what I have to say sounds better in my head and not in writing.
I am an avid dreamer, often crafting concepts and designs in my head, of which I do not have the resources to bring to fruition, and for which the studio apartment I share with my beloved, is too klein. I am terrible at explaining things and my Russian and German are often more eloquent than my English ever will be. (Can you believe I used to be a fantastic writer? Unfortunately, writing seems to be a skill that few college professors appreciate anymore, and a skill that I rarely have the patience to use.)
I love violent rainstorms, everything to do with Halloween, appalling high fashion, hand guns and period-era films and if I could spend the rest of my life standing on my head, in a tight Victorian corset, drinking too much coffee, eating too much pasta, watching every Scorsese film in existence and NOT having to do dishes EVARR, well that would be swell, fine and peachy-keen with me. I flourish under the chaos of short deadlines, but turn into a monster when my apartment is a mess. I own and operate every aspect of my jewelry design company, Blue Anchor, and even in this area I am both a self-proclaimed procrastinator and photographer extraordinaire of supremely terrrible proportions. (This is where having friends in the modeling industry comes in handy. Everyone wins!)
I have a fantastic man in the "house" who always does the dishes for me, keeps me warm at night, fed at day and is a talented wood-working artist (though he won't admit to it). We're raising two gray-and-white medium-hair kittens we rescued from a shelter at 9-weeks of age; Bella ne Bellatrix (who is obsessed with water and insists on attacking the mermaid charm on my cell phone) and Freyja (who likes to "booger" people in the face with her nose first thing in the morning and insists on sending messages by stealing my magnetic poetry from the fridge). I'm as smitten with Harry Potter as the rest of the world and possess an extensive collection of books about Pirate history, as well as Russian language, culture and history. I love films, but dislike going to the cinema. I also get really testy when Pandora tries to sneak Katy Perry into my Rammstein station or Regina Spektor into my Lily Allen/Kate Nash stations.. *grumbles incoherently*
I also talk too much, then become distraction and lose interest in everything I was saying in the first place.
So instead, here are some of my favorite things:
http://arianenigmatic.deviantart.com/
http://coilhouse.net/
http://darkcandles.com/
http://blueanchorjewelry.bigcartel.com/
http://realmofredheads.com/
http://www.facebook.com/LadyCommissar
http://www.sephora.com/
http://etsy.com/
-Natasha
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