Inability to Connect

This is going to be a rather raw entry, and may be shoved back in my face at some point, but I am tired of holding it all into myself. I know there is at least one person who both empathizes and sympathizes with me on this subject, though perhaps maybe not quite to the degree of severity to which I experience. Ironically enough, this person happens to be my best friend, my sister if you will (who happens to live 1,010 miles away, give or take).

I have poor social skills, and I was raised with more responsibility than normal children should have. Perhaps it was being raised in a military household, mostly by a single male who ate, slept and breathed responsibility and who raised me to accept said responsibility for my every action in life. I've always been taught that the world owes me nothing and that I must always work hard for what I want or need. It has been said that I take myself too seriously. Perhaps this is why some see me as conceited or self-absorbed. This is not the case, I am merely afraid to make mistakes. I was raised in a home where mistakes were not tolerable. Mistakes were a learning experience followed by consequence and punishment. No action comes without consequence. Perhaps that understanding is yet another reason why I am overly serious, often paranoid and sometimes mildly neurotic. Perhaps these reasons are also why I feel that I cannot relate to my peers.

My peers. With their often carefree attitude of social play, reckless activities and general immaturity. They seldom consider the big picture and barely contemplate the tiny image set before them each day. They rarely see beyond the previous night's drinking binge to this morning's hangover. Only now is the moment that matters.. I live in the big picture and find the little picture to be trivial. The big picture is all that usually matters, all on which I spend my time. Now granted, not every peer is the way I have described above. Many are also concentrated on the big picture, yet still maintain their scope on the here and now. How? This is a balance I envy with my whole heart. Still, I feel a complete inability to truly connect with any of them. It it almost impossible for me to relate to others in a manner that I can take seriously and to be honest and true. There exist, however, a select handful of people for whom an exception exists. Unfortunately, they live about 30 miles away and I rarely see them anymore, but whether at work or out after hours, I always felt a genuine connection to them. Perhaps in that environment, a certain mindset exists that is akin to my own? Perhaps each business has a type of employee who best fits a required personality type? Merely speculation, but it makes sense.

My inability to truly and genuinely connect with people around me leaves me with a social life that exists almost entirely online. What person-to-person interaction there is exists at work, where I feel that most are friendly merely because it is expected in order to maintain a pleasant work environment. Unlike others, I am not prone to false pleasantness. If I do not like or do not connect with a person even in a simple manner, I do not bother trying to feign the niceties. And if they don't like me, why bother? I also find it difficult to enter in meaningless conversation. Gossip, or what pointless things (usually drinking or partying) someone did, what they're going to eat for dinner, who is dating whom, blah, blah, blah, please end it already! Instead, it has also been noticed, I often enter in with some vaguely related fact in which most people have little interest and few even know about! Pardon me for thinking, please, really, I just shouldn't bother. Clearly, intellectual thought is just too much for the general populace. I've never seen a purpose in putting effort into skin-deep acquaintances, and I cannot be the only one that feels that way..

Perhaps, my constant over burden of responsibility and 'taking myself too seriously' has affected my ability to properly connect with those around me. Or perhaps, people here at "my level" (whatever level that may be) are simply scarce or in hiding.. Whatever the case, I am becoming increasingly bothered with my complete inability to form deep, meaningful, intellectual human connections. You just can't have that bond with pixels.. I just can't help wondering what impression people really take from me..