I've wanted to turn this blog into something interesting and potentially inspirational, but I always feel like nothing I have to talk about is terribly interesting to anyone but those closest to me. I used to blog daily, mainly about my personal life, but stopped and haven't really done much since late last year. As my life seems to pile over my head like an avalanche I find the appeal of blogging once more tugging at my mind. So here it goes..
I have anxiety disorder. I don't use it as an excuse and I don't like to acknowledge that it exists. I do not take medication for it, I just deal. I don't believe in using drugs as a sole solution for anything, I would rather work with it on my own. Lately though, panic attacks and stress have become a regular occurrence. I feel most days as if I'm stuck untangling a very long length of rope, which I may never manage to straighten. Perhaps my youth and inexperience in many areas of this new chapter of my life aid to condemn my actions, I do not know. The following is not a rant, it is not a plea for sympathy (as anyone who knows me well enough, knows that I loathe being pitied, immensely), it is merely a means for me to throw my issues and questions in the cosmos and see what sort of responses I might receive in return. In an attempt to organize everything, I'll just address each major issue in turn.
My back, work and what's happening with what:
Mid June of this year, I injured my back opening the stubborn rear hatch of a submarine on Finding Nemo. In excruciating pain for over a month, I endured physical therapy, ibuprofen and transitional duty, Transitional duty is an alternate work program which very few hours, low paychecks unbelievably boring, menial task work. So far, I have been very fortunate to have Disney's help with this situation. Therapy was able to take my regular pain level down from a usual 10 to about a 2/3, with the worst being 6/7 on a bad day. Now I've had x-rays, an MRI and will shortly be seeing a doctor to discuss the results. Disney is taking care of all of this. It is one less expense that I have to worry about for one more problem. Often though, I am still in pain. I am not entirely certain what is wrong yet, but I will find out soon. Work is another issue entirely. Upon returning to work, I find that I panic at the mere idea of having to drive a submarine. The last time I tried to drive since returning from transitional (a little over 2 months) I had my trainer in the sail with me, but nearly fainted from panic. (The managers have been great and have done what they can for me, but I cannot afford a doctor's note and thus, cannot be dropped until that point, so I try to trade shifts). There is also the possibility of bumping. Bumping is when the bump pads on the submarine collide and are pushed inward. Bumping usually results in a safety, which is a disciplinary action. Disciplinary action will prevent me from transferring to my preferred position, which is Security. I have an initial interview for Security this coming Monday. I've wanted Security before I even applied to work for Disney nearly one year ago (Halloween will be my official one-year anniversary). I will probably cry with joy if I land this position. Not only will I be working in an environment that I relate to and enjoy, but it does not hurt that the pay and opportunities for hours and furthering my training are much greater. I will feel more that I am making a difference, instead of how I feel now at attractions, which is simply, just doing a paid job. Unfortunately, there is no joy left for me in attractions. This is the greatest chance of transferring to Security that I have had, and if by some horrendous, off chance I do not land the position.. I am not sure that I will want to stay with the company.. However, everything is dependent upon money, as money is the root of evil and of happiness.
Money, my finances and replacing the engine block in my "new" car:
Honestly, I do not care what anyone says about money, but the fact of the matter is, the stuff has the power and the ability to make or break our lives, whether we let it or not. If you don't have enough of it, it can tear down relationships, break souls and shatter lives. If you have it, relationships may have little stress, souls and creativity soar and flourish and lives can blossom in astonishing ways. I know this. This is my life. True, I put myself into this position. True, my beloved is in this position with me. True, we are constantly strained by limited funds. True, I scrape by month-to-month by the skin of my ass to make bills as close to 'on-time' as entirely plausible. I take comfort in what little things I can; Tommy's emotional support, the love and dependency of our kittens, having a job, the food I have to eat (when we can afford it), my jewelry and Blue Anchor, the emotional support of those who care for me, and until a few days ago, the reliability of having my own car again. Monday, the car stopped functioning properly. It refused to start, smoked and eventually overheated. After a tedious drive home and a near sleepless night, we awoke early Tuesday to have the oil changed and the engine checked before my 10am shift. We learned that the coolant fluid and motor oil were leaking and after a terrifying day of driving to work and back on two separate shifts, we knew we had to take it in. Wednesday being our day off, we took the car back to the dealership and they gave us a rental in the meantime. At about 11am this morning, Thursday, I learned that the engine block would need to be replaced for $2,900.00 UP FRONT. After breaking down into tears for about a minute, I called my father. Then I called my mother; the problem-solver. Whatever problem I cannot fix, she can. After spending well over 2 hours calling dealerships, attorneys and family members, mum is having her mechanic do it for a GRAND LESS and is willing to accept payments, just up-front for the part. My father is loaning me $1,500.00 for it, which leaves about $400 left to take care of myself. Enterprise requires a $300 deposit for a rental, which I obviously don't have, and my mum's new (quite amazing actually) husband agreed to wire the money all the way from NEW ZEALAND (where she will be moving early next year) to cover the deposit. So I still have rental ( approx $35/day), uncovered repair charges ($400), my half of rent ($400), my car payment ($243), and usual expenses, like the shampoo were in desperate need of, food, gas, etc. The money is spent before its even made. Its overwhelming to a fault. Now I am pretty much relying on a job I do not yet even have, and I am waiting at the very edge of my seat for the final settlement from my car accident, which I am informed may be $10,000.00 or less. Unbelievable. The reason I am hurting so BADLY is BECAUSE of this accident. They reckon my original back injury is the main cause of my current pain and that the hatches aggravated it all over again. I have a car payment and now a huge repair bill due and I'm lucky every month if I make my rent and bills. *sigh* Everything is so carefully orchestrated in my life, that it is simply ridiculous. The girls need their shots again, we're trying to afford a computer for Tommy, and we can't even do anything fun for Halloween, let alone anything at all. Augh. Now that I've left my financial situation open, raw and bleeding there for all to see..
Blue Anchor:
The business is a bit of a different situation entirely. Orders come in, but not in the frequency that allows me to work at it full time, nor to afford decent advertising. It is difficult to manage everything and to expand as a one-person company. I hope to be learning how to use excel and tax programs soon and buying up small ad space on blogs and in a few magazines. I feel as if I am stuck in a lousy cycle. In order to buy ad space I need to make more sales, but in order to make more sales, I need to advertise to a larger audience. I have been hoping to use some of the settlement for this purpose, but it seems much of it will be going to bills, the lawyers and the car. Maybe if I can just level out all of my expenses elsewhere, I can manage and expand as I want to so badly. For a bit I was very good about pulling new designs, photographing and posting, but upon my return from transitional duty, my free time has been cut into a fourth of what it was before. It may be eating me out of house and home at some points, but I love it too much and have worked WAY TOO HARD on it to just give up. Often though, I wish I could scream for some kind of help. I don't know everything there is to know about running and expanding a business, and you have seen MY web design skills. One day, I am splurging on a professional. One day, one day, one day.. Why can't I just make it happen today? Well one day, I am going to make it all happen.
"Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something."
--Wesley, The Princess Bride
"Opportunity often comes disguised in the form of misfortune, or temporary defeat."
- Napoleon Hill
Natasha
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